The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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