I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
