someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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