I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
