I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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