I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
