Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
