I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
He did a backflip because drugs
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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