I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
