I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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