Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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