so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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