Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
