Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
