i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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