if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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