The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
