Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you win again, gameday.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
