i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
