he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
