I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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