His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
