I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
