I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Operation Purity has been aborted
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
