Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
