EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
