before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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