she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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