Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
