I'm jealous of your bromance
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
