I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
