2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
