M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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