had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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