I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Randomize
