Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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