3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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