is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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