My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Randomize
