I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
