You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
