no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
