im so drunk with asians
where?
always
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
