Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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