I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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