my phone needs a breathalizer
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
