Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
