OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Mom said you looked used
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Randomize
