So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
