Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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